Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
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ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
translated into Canadian
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo