No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
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Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea