“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
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I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?