After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
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[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
Just as the prophecy foretold
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
No one:
My kid: Mumma, you don’t have to worry about what happened in the kitchen.
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
The three genders