When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
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Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then