There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
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I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.