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Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.