Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
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I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
iPhone X
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted