If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
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When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
Never go to sleep after making me angry
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer