BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
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When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence