Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
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The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.