Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
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He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.