I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
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Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing