Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
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My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!