[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
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<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.