M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
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“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.