I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
You Might Also Like
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
can I use a minion as a tampon
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys