Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
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[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.