I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
You Might Also Like
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter