Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
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A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti