If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
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They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
Remember folks 😂
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
there’s probably a fee though
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
Passwords are more important than ever.
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!