“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
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Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
Somebody’s lying.
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.