[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
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Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
My patience has stretch marks.
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
Oh yeh? Explain this then
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.