felt that
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My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
File under excellent bookstore names.
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want