White parent Vs Arab parents
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[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
Guy who likes music
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?