Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
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[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell