*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
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birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
April 1st is the class clown of days.
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle