The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
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her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball: