Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
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just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.