What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
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Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
The human personality is made of five key elements
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
This cat wants you to take your pills
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-