This bar smells like my childhood.
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*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika