I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
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“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
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The 5 signs of laziness
1.
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe