The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
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it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
My life coach traded me.
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.