8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
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Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
The asteroid..
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
Probably my best painting.
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]