Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
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My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
Happy Thanksgiving
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm