love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
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Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
I’m having an out of money experience.
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”