Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
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You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.