Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
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If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
how come we never get to click boxes of dinosaurs or volcanoes why is it always vehicles
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.