Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
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Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever