I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
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*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
What’s so funny?
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
Eggs benadryl my favourite
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
I tell my kids to charge their iPads and then I charge them cause who’s really punished when they’re dead?
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]