Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
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It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
This squirrel eats better than I do
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
*me flirting
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.