“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
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I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..