“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
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I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”