Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
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Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.