3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
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an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
titanic
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction