I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
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Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
This dude got his own movie?
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up