Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
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Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day