Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
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*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
my friends when i can’t do basic math
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.