I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
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Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
Fights fire with marshmallows
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
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