Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
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emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.